In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia gives basic instruction for counseling abuse situations. Pastor Dave does so by defining “abuse,” overviewing expectations for different types of abuse situations, comparing a worldly and a biblical approach to dealing with abuse, and providing special counsel for the abused.
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well it’s n o’clock good morning good morning and welcome to Sunday school let’s open with a word of prayer Heavenly Father we are so dependent on you even for the most difficult Trials of life and dealing with abuse suffering abuse but also dealing with abuse is a great Challenge and a great trial Lord I pray that you would help us to understand this topic help us to be wise about it help me Lord to explain this in a way that is clear and helpful I pray that you’d be glorified today in Jesus name amen all right today is lesson 11 in our Biblical counseling for marriage and Parenthood Sunday school series I said last week that today we were going to go over two topics and then we’d have our Q&A and our next class but we really need to spend a whole day with just this one topic so we’ll just have to adjust you see the topic on your screen it is a sobering and necessary one and it is dealing with abuse but before we get to that let’s go over last week’s homework last week I asked you to read understanding your child’s greatest need by John MacArthur in his book successful Christian parenting and write down five observations or questions so if you did that what were some questions or observations that you wrote down yeah Le that right yeah so Leela pointing out behaviorism doesn’t get to the heart and so biblical counseling or true biblical instruction and admonishment it has to get to the heart you can’t settle for mere outward Conformity mere external behavior that seems easy that seems to produce good results sometimes but that’s not what a Christian parent is primarily called to do you want to get the heart what else yeah Phil right so two things that you’re pointing out there Phil one the import importance of not trying to force a profession of faith not trying to coers or manipulate that it’s a work of the spirit he does use the gospel you need to declare the gospel and you need to live out the gospel that was your second point you can’t preach one thing and then unpre it with your life as uh pans I’ve said in the past but you have to leave it up to the Lord you are to be faithful but you can’t force your children to believe and this is a this is a stumbling block for many parents they will trying to manipulate a confession or even change their theology based on how their children respond to the gospel I remember one of my teachers pointing out that a that a certain mother was very much in line with what the Bible teaches about saving Faith produces a changed life but when her child professed and then later walked away from the faith because she wanted him to be saved so much he saidwell you really don’t have to have a changed life as long as you as long as you professed at one point but you can’t do that you can’t change your theology to fit how you want things to be or how the circumstances are you have to stick with the scriptures so you Minister the gospel you trust that God will use that but in his timing in his way what else yeah host way of only children is explain the you that’s a good question host way so first answer your second question that does have a little bit of teaser there right like we’ll talk about this more in the next chapter or we did talk about this in the last chapter no I don’t have that chapter I only had the excerpt for for my class but you can still buy the book it’s a little bit older I think it’s it was published in the 90s and sometimes with MacArthur’s Publications they reprint them but under a new title or they combine it with other material so I don’t know if this one got transformed into another book on parenting but this one uccessful Christian parenting is is available if you are curious for those other chapters I was too but uh yeah unfortunately I don’t have that but to get back to your first point I do really appreciate how MacArthur brings out he says we make parenting to be a burden when it’s meant to be a blessing and part of the reason is that we add a whole bunch of other things that we don’t necessarily have to do or have to follow but we add it on there and we get so paranoid if we don’t follow the rules of some parenting Guru or some parenting program and he says okay sometimes they have good things to say sometimes it’s just not NE necessary and sometimes it’s bad advice why are you burdening yourself like that you can stick with what the scriptures say you can benefit from teachers but don’t treat them like your absolute gurus um and when they’re young and when they’re when they’re old if you do apply the scriptures then parenting is a great blessing and it is to be received that way yeah Mark bring them instruction of the Lord to your point bill that has to do with our example it’s not a formula right like if you do this it’s just going to go great right and um the word bring them up there I think you brought this out maybe in a previous lesson is the same word for nurture and cherish that is used of husbands or wives and the idea is that we’re cultivating their growth which means sewing seeds which means sometimes that takes a while and there’s no guarantee of results so I really appreciated thatas yeah and it was more about character than about technique yeah so really good I don’t think I can summarize everything you just said but the emphasis on Ephesians 64 and bringing up your children then in the discipline and instruction of the Lord but bringing up having the idea of nourishing cherishing even the same word is used of husbands towards their wives it is an investment it is um something that takes time it doesn’t have guaranteed results and yet it is something that as you said there at the end is more about character then technique it’s not a formula where you just plug in and like you do these things over a certain amount of time you get this result oftentimes but not necessarily I sometimes um you can encounter the thought in your own mind or even from other people where they say oh well that’s not going to work with my kids yeah I know that’s what the Bible says but that doesn’t work or that’s not going to work well ultimately it’s up to God whether something works you’re just called to be faithful you don’t determine whether you should do something whether it has the outcome that you want or not you just say what did God call me to do I’m called to be a faithful parent not one that produces a certain result so therefore I’m successful you’re successful if you’re faithful God has to take care of the results those are good comments good observations I hope the article was helpful to you encouraging to you um and unfortunately I don’t have the rest of the book but there are other other good resources for you to check out what I would like you to do for this next week is another reading assignment much shorter and it has to do with today’s lesson I want you to read how should you counsel a couple in the case of domestic violence this is written by in part by three different authors at Welsh Paul trip David palon they’ve been all notable ccef biblical counselors so the Christian Counseling Education Foundation think foundation so read it write down five observations or questions it’s only five pages so this is not going to be a comprehensive word on the subject of domestic violence but it does give you it’s going to reinforce what I talk about today in terms of giving you a fundamental approach for dealing with this topic and being aware of certain key realities so want you to read that make your observations we’ll talk about it at the beginning of next class questions about the homework do be aware that I did give you an optional reading assignment if you wish it’s a little bit harder to get through but a more comprehensive framework for dealing with abuse with domestic violence that’s acbc um counseling care I I’m getting the title wrong in my uh right now but another article from acbc about more specifically the steps you should take the guiding principles for dealing with domestic violence so that is optional for you to read not required well let’s get to today’s topic dealing with abuse just hearing the word abuse probably makes it feel like a dark cloud has just passed over the class because it is not a pleasant subject yet abuse is real we cannot ignore this type of sinful Darkness we must prepare to deal with it and the good news is that the Bible does give us the principles to handle yes even abuse cases Faithfully even to unlike the world minister to both the abused and the abuser as God permits however situations of abuse must be approached with great wisdom and care even talking about how to deal with abuse requires great wisdom and care and I will do my best because I want to balance and I want to teach you all to balance several biblical priorities at the same time when you’re dealing with abuse you have several priorities at least six priorities that you’re trying to all take care of together on the one hand you must take seriously all allegations of abuse and respond accordingly but on the other hand you must remember that not all those who claim to be abused are actually being abused on the one hand you must hold abusers accountable for their sin and not let them get away with any excuses on the other hand you must hold the abused accountable for their sins even their sinful provocations toward their abusers on the on the one hand we must be committed to protecting the life and limb of the abused readily involving the church and Civil Authorities to rescue the oppressed and punish the oppressors on the other hand you must be committed above all to the glory of God which means seeking the true repentance of the abuser and the restoration of the relationship between the abused and the abuser now some of those might seem like contradictory principles but they’re not and can biblical counselors really hold on to all those priorities at the same time by God’s grace yes we may not always be able to address situations of abuse perfectly but we can address them Faithfully just like parenting right we can seek to address them Faithfully while trusting God to work in us and work in that situation for his glory now disclaimer with the rest of our time I cannot say everything that needs to be said when it comes to dealing with abuse I can only help us get a basic grip on the issue so that we are prepared in a fundamental way to help and counsel abuse situations here’s the agenda we’ll follow today we’ll first seek to Define what abuse actually is second we’ll discuss expectations for different abuse situations third we’ll compare the worldly and the biblical approach to dealing with abuse at a high level and then fourth we’ll consider special a counsel special counsel for those who are experiencing abuse and let’s start by defining abuse which is harder to do than you might think these days it seems more and more people are claiming to have suffered abuse wives claim abuse from their husbands husbands claim abuse from their wives employees claim abuse from their bosses and managers students claim abuse from their teachers and coaches and many people of all kinds claim to have been abused as children by their parents or by other relatives now now is abuse On The Rise is the reporting of abuse on the rise or is the definition of abuse getting broader so that more people will claim it perhaps the answer is a combination of these explanations if you look up the word abuse in the dictionary pretty much no matter which dictionary you use you’ll find a variant of three main definitions what is abuse it could be one the wrong or excessive use of something two communication that is cruel or rude and three physical mistreatment wrong use of something cruel communication physical mistreatment now based simply on those definitions who today is suffering abuse in our society everyone everyone can claim abuse under those definitions someone’s driving too slow in front of you with a high weight they’re misusing their car abuse someone in your family says something slightly sarcastic to you abuse your friend fouls you while you’re playing on the basketball court abuse yet though all kinds of actions could technically qualify as abuse under a dictionary definition that is not usually what people mean when they claim in counseling I’m being abused or I have been abused what do people usually mean when they claim AB abuse okay it could be some sort of danger though I think there’s something more basic being said okay that’s that’s one way of saying it I’m being deprived of certain fundamental rights I would put it like this if someone claims abuse in counseling it is an indication that they believe they are being severely mistreated I’m suffering severe mistreatment of some kind you’ve heard you probably have heard these days all different types of abuse verbal abuse emotional abuse of course physical and sexual abuse if we just take all those categories we say some type of severe mistreatment is happening or at least somebody thinks that it’s happening and when you hear that in counseling has a claim to be taken seriously and gently investigate it you need to find out what does that person mean by abuse and what does the abuse look like in this situation as you investigate you may learn that some abuse is more felt than actually received that is someone can feel like they’re being severely mistreated when they actually haven’t not really for example Dr Street my counseling Professor he talks about a real life counseling situation in which he was involved in which a wife claimed abuse from her husband but as Dr Street investigated he found out what that what the wife considered abuse was just her husband disagreeing with her she said to herself if he truly loves me how dare he disagree with what I’ve asked him to do this is abuse no doubt the wife felt severely mistreated by her husband for not acquiescing to her point of view all of the time but she was not actually being severely mistreated so the counsel to her and to her husband needed to to adjust accordingly however many other times you will find out as you probe what does that person mean by claiming abuse that there has indeed been or maybe still is severe mistreatment in the relationship in the counsel’s life now this could happen in any type of relationship but even a marriage relationship a spouse who is constantly demeaning and criticizing the other a spouse who’s engaging in a secret affair against the other a spouse who neglects or actively avoids the other these are severe mistreatments you could say that any kind of ongoing sin between people is a kind of abuse and when you as a counselor find out that sin that someone has suffered is severe it is appropriate that you lament with your counsel that you help him find his hope and help in God equip the counsel to respond like Jesus Christ and if the other sinning one is in the counseling room with you confront him regarding his sin in both its heart and its life aspects of course we Sinners are frequently both victims and victimizers so even when you discover that someone in your counseling has been greatly sinned against you may still need to help that one repent of his own sin even perhaps his own severe mistreatment of others this is just counseling counseling usually involves severe mistreatment or ongoing sin between people sometimes people call it abuse but this is just basic counseling and for that reason I I would say that what I’ve just described to you does not really help us get to our main topic today we’ve just talked about a commonly assumed meaning for abuse but we can be more precise with the term at least for today’s class there is a kind of sinful mistreatment that threatens the physical life and well-being of another person this kind of mistreatment is also called domestic violence a New Jersey State Police defines domestic violence this way a pattern of physical emotional verbal and sexual abuse which includes but is is not limited to threats intimidation isolation and or financial control I think that definition informs a lot about the kind of definition for abuse that’s going to be most helpful for us to use as counselors not not discounting other forms of sinful severe mistreatment that you should address in your counseling here’s my working stricter definition for abuse in today’s class what is abuse I’m defining it as sinful behavior that threatens or actually harms the physical life and well-being of another including physical violence sexual assault threatening speech and actions forced isolation and financial control so under this definition throwing objects at your spouse to hurt him is abuse coercing your spouse into physical intimacy is rape and abuse punching your hand through a door to frighten your spouse is abuse warning your spouse that you will kill her someday is abuse hiding your spouse’s car keys so that she can’t escape while you’re gone is abuse and keeping your spouse from having any access to the family’s money is abuse truly all ongoing sin among God’s people should be addressed but abuse sin of the kind that I’ve just outlined that threatens or actually harms the physical life and well-being of another requires special conc considerations in counseling and that’s what I want to talk to you about now what kind of people experience abuse all kinds men women children the elderly though most commonly the victims of abuse are the ones that you would expect the ones who are physically weaker so this is usually wives being abused by their husbands children being abused by their parents and elderly parents being abused by their now grown and strong children well we have defined abuse let’s briefly talk about expectations for different abuse situations I have two diagrams for you here and just so you know I’m going to focus on abuse between a husband and wife in the rest of the class today I will say things that are relevant to other situations of abuse but I’m really just focusing on that particular situation the first diagram I want to show you is a marital Matrix that illustrates four different kinds of marital combinations in which abuse might occur the combinations depend on who’s the Christian and who’s the unbeliever sometimes you have two Christians sometimes two unbelievers and sometimes one or the other the second chart illustrates how hopeful and how promising or how common and how promising addressing a particular combination of husband and wife is and also Bible verses that that mainly describe the way forward and from looking at the second chart you may notice a few things one having truly Christian spouses and of course I don’t mean merely professing Christians but actual Christians who take the faith seriously who are active in the local church who want to deal with sin having truly Christian spouses makes dealing with an abuse situation very promising can Christian husbands and wives abuse each other in the way that I’ve defined in this class yes they can and yes they do though it is rare and when it happens there is much Hope for Change something else you may notice is that there’s less Hope for Change when the husband is not the Christian if there’s a Christian wife but not a Christian husband there’s less Hope for Change God Made Men the physically stronger vessel and an unbelieving husband is more likely to use his strength to abuse his wife and resist change himself Christian wife is not hopeless in that situation though 1 Peter 31-6 reminds Christian wives of the power of an of aggressive and faith-filled submission though it’s not as hopeful as other situations you can also tell from this chart three there is little Hope for Change when both husband and wife are not Christians Genesis 3:16 foretold that the marital battle for control would engulf the whole world as a result of sin a wife’s desire would be to control her husband and a husband’s desire would be to rule his wife with tyrannical d domination thus this King of the Hill struggle is now and has always been manifest in marriages all over the world both husbands and wives even resorting to abuse physical harm and threats to the other to get their own way the only real hope for an abuse situation involving two unbelieving persons is the power of the Gospel they need to see that their marital struggle is a symptom of a more serious struggle that they have with God they are in Rebellion against God and they have rejected God’s only Savior Jesus Christ until a couple believes the gospel they will not be able to put into practice God’s design for marriage or see the curse fully removed from their relationship so really the counseling to give in that situation is the gospel one other observation going back to this chart biblical counselors should involve proper authorities in Abus to situations if Christians are involved counselor should involve the church and Civil Authorities if only unbelievers are involved then they’re not they don’t have any reason to listen to the church so you can only involve the Civil Authorities I’ll say more what that looks like at the end of our lesson now why might a Christian husband or father or stepfather become abusive that’s something the counselor must explore and particularly some common reasons would be if a husband has a worldly view of of his role as the head of the home seeing himself as a dictator to be served and obeyed rather than a servant leader perhaps the husband has cultivated a habit of overt physical anger expression over the years he’s come to believe that that’s normal perhaps the husband is experiencing frustration over an idol elsewhere in his life and then taking out the anger on his family perhaps the husband is hard bring bitterness over past hurts towards him from other family members why might a Christian wife or mother or stepmother become abusive biblical counselor should explore whether the wife has a general long-standing unhappiness and blames her husband or her children for it should investigate whether the wife is bitter over past wrongs and neglect from her husband and whether the wife has received self-help or cyp psychotherapeutic training that has taught her to demand and insist upon her rights which Dr Street observed often correlates with wives becoming abusive in a strange way one other interesting note while Christian wives will often seek counseling help over abusive husbands Christian husbands seldom seek counseling help over abusive wives usually the only way a Biblical counselor will find out about a Christian wives abusing her husband is if the wife herself seeks help for dealing with her anger now why is that why are Christian husbands often hesitant to seek help when it comes to abuse maybe they think they can take it they should just be tough maybe they’re ashamed that they’ve caused this or allowed their wives to become this way or maybe they think that loving their wives simply means putting up with abuse let’s now compare a worldly approach and a Biblical approach to dealing with abuse I know we’re kind of moving quickly today but we have a number of things to cover the main difference between these two approaches has to do with overarching goals and that informs the methods that a therapist or a counselor will use what is the main goals or what are the main goals of psychologists or Christian integrationists that is Christians who are trying to use psychological techniques and theory and their counseling what are what are their main goals in trying to help in an abuse situation well number one it is to stop the abused from being hurt or feeling helpess and how will the world’s counselors do that well they will teach the abused to take control of their lives to assert their rights don’t try to appease your abusive spouse instead calmly and confidently confront your mate show him that you are not afraid of him or at least don’t show that you’re afraid of him set boundaries demand your rights put him on notice that you will not accept certain behavior from him anymore and that there will be consequences if he persists they also will seek to teach the abuse principles of tough love if your mate crosses the boundaries you have said don’t overlook don’t forgive enforce the consequences that you foretold and threatened if you told him that you would not respond to him unless he speaks to you in a certain way then don’t respond to him if you told him that you would leave if he kept up his behavior then leave teach him to take you seriously by following through on whatever you warned him about now you can see a certain logic to this approach right and the counselors who teach this approach by and large really are trying to help but based on what the scriptures say and based on even many of the principles and commands of the Bible that we’ve looked at in this course what is the likely outcome of this counil yeah it’s probably going to get worse it’s probably going to lead to more Strife in the family and eventually separation you can consider how opposite this is from Biblical counsel the Bible doesn’t teach you to assert your rights look at Jesus the Bible instead calls on Believers not to respond to evil with evil but with good according to First Peter 2 21- 2 and we’ve made reference to that passage multiple times a basic part to being a Christian is that you commit to suffering righteously under Injustice like Jesus who committed no sin nor was any deceit found in his mouth and by and being reviled he did not revile in return while suffering he uttered no threats but he kept and trusting himself to him who judges righteously now Jesus was willing to call out sin but he did not insist upon his rights he didn’t say you better treat me rightly or I won’t be good to you anymore far from out of abundant Supernatural love he died for Sinners for the ones who were mistreating him 1 Peter 31-6 says that wives are to have a similar attitude toward their husbands and 1 Peter 3:7 says the husband should have a similar attitude toward their wives worldly wisdom naturally teaches that the way to get love and the way to secure desired behavior is to teach people lessons and force consequences on them but the reality is the reality is because of man’s sinful heart such acts usually only lead to Greater strife and a worsen relationship oh you’re going to do that to me well I’m going to do it to you back it just enforces a negative spiral worldly help for the abuse essentially tries to teach them to become demanding people and this is only likely to provoke but not justify further abuse so then if the prescribed methods from the world’s counselors don’t help the abused reach this first goal psychologist and integrationist have a second goal and hostway has already alluded to it to stop the abuser from being able to inflict harm and how will the world’s counselors accomplish this by counseling separation if the abuser is not willing to learn about himself if he will not respect your boundaries if he will not show that he values the relationship then you have no option except to leave him escape to a domestic violence shelter where you’ll be strongly encouraged never to return to your abusive me gain legal separation from your spouse eventually divorce your spouse after all once an abuser always an abuser if he has shown that he’s not willing to change you have no choice you must move on for your own good now as tragic as this approach from the world is here we can understand why people turn to it why people counsel it can’t we because indeed what what hope is there for a changed abusive relationship without the gospel without Christ what hope is there in changing the abuser or the abused if there’s no Supernatural work in the heart the world can see nothing better to do than to just end the relationship but the Bible instruct Believers differently because the Bible gives hope ultimately the psychological and integrational approach in abuse situations has its highest goal to protect the physical life and well-being of the abused this is not a bad goal but it doesn’t go far enough it’s too low it’s not accompanied by other important goals notice the world’s approach focuses entirely on the abused virtually no Ministry to the abuser furthermore the world’s approach does not notice or take into account any spiritual elements having to do with an abuse situation even whether one or both in the couple are true Christians so inevitably these oversights they make the world’s counseling approach inferior to a Biblical counseling approach what is the biblical approach what is a Biblical council’s approach to dealing with abuse as shown in main goals number one to teach the abused how to be God’s kind of person amid even severe trials the negative stereotype of biblical counselors is that they teach abused persons especially wives to just go back and be punching bags in their homes for Jesus but this is not biblical counselors teach we do want to help the abused use the resources God has provided them in the church and the government to escape physical danger and preserve their lives in health but more than that more than we want the abused to be safe we want to train them in godliness we want to show them how they can draw strength and comfort from Jesus how they can forgive and instead of seeking Vengeance or running away and even how they can love those who have abused them with God’s Supernatural love now that seems like an unrealistic and twisted goal let me show you something again in First Peter 2 please take your Bibles open to First Peter chapter 2 I’m sure if a worldly counselor heard what I just said they would be flabbergasted you were just signing her up for more abuse you are making her codependent let’s look at what the scriptures say First Peter chapter 2 before in this chapter we get to the suffering example of Christ in verses 21 to 25 and before we get to in the next chapter first Peter 31:7 the commands to wives and husbands we have 1 Peter 2:18 to20 which is God’s command through Peter to household slaves and look what Peter writes to them 1 Peter 2 verses 18 to 20 servants that is household slaves be submissive to your masters with all respect not only to those who are good and gentle but also to those who are unreasonable for this finds favor if for the sake of conscience toward God a person Bears up Sorrows when suffering unjustly for what credit is there if when you sin and are harshly treated you endure it with patience but if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it this finds favor with God how well do you think household slaves were treated in first century Rome it depended on the household if they had a good Master they could be treated very well they could almost seem like equal members of society to the rest they could be freed after a certain number of years it wasn’t a bad deal if they had a good Master if they had a bad Master if they had an unreasonable Master literally a crooked Master is what this text says oh it could be very bad both male and female slaves were regularly in Roman society physically and sexually abused and they had no recourse in a society that saw them truly as property a man can do with this property what he wants he wants to abuse them that’s his prerogative if he destroys them well he destroyed his own property so he’s already suffered the loss for it we don’t need to prosecute him yet what is God’s counsel to his precious children who are suffering in this way as slaves clearly their lives their health their basic dignity is being threatened by abuse what is God’s counsel if physical health and well-being were the ultimate good and ultimate goal would not the counsel from God be to Escape run away at your first opportunity slaves the church will help you your master has clearly forfeited his right to own You by mistreating you in the way that he has so get away as soon as you can now God does say in 1 Corinthians 7 that if slaves are able to become free by legal means that they should do so by all means but here what is the counsel it is be submissive to your masters with all respect we’ve seen this word submission before voluntarily line yourself up under your Master’s will with all respect and notice the reason why is it to gain the Master’s favor is it to lessen and stop the abuse that could be a nice product but that’s not the reason given here notice the reason given here it is that if you continue to do what is right when you suffer unjustly you will please God you will find favor with God in other words what is the top priority for slaves not physical health not securing proper treatment but what glorifying God being God’s kind of man or woman no matter the circumstances no matter the mistreatment that’s top priority now praise God today in America we have many protections that did not exist in the ancient world and that still do not exist in some parts of the world but if health and safety is your top priority as a Christian and friend you are in the wrong outfit Jesus says in Luke 9:23 if anyone wishes to come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross his method of shameful prolong execution take up his cross daily and follow me Jesus says in Mark 8:35 for whoever wishes to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospels will save it Paul testifies in acts 20:24 as he faced suffering imprisonment and possible death in Jerusalem for the sake of Christ acts 20:24 but I do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself so that I may finish my course and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus to testify solemnly of the Gospel of the grace of God I am convinced that many problems in Christian sanctification and even Christian marriages is that Christians do not expect and are unwilling to suffer severe and prolonged mistreatment for Christ’s sake they say I didn’t sign up for this therefore I demand my rights but that is the opposite of our calling we show ourselves to be true Disciples of Christ when we say I will suffer for him no matter how deep no matter how long boy I’ll need God’s help for that but this is what I signed up for when I became a Christian of course Christians are not insane masochists we don’t seek out suffering just for suffering sake but for Love’s sake for Christ’s sake the gospel’s sake well now we are not only willing to suffer but we are willing to die I mean really for what other reason are we alive Philippians 1:21 for me to live is Christ and to die is gain I’m only here to glorify Christ if I can do that by my suffering and death then I will have accomplished my purpose so yes biblical counselors do want to protect the lives and health of the abused but even more we want to show them how to walk before the Lord in Holiness that is that first priority a second priority is to win the abuser win the abuser over to righteousness through biblical counseling intent to expose and transform the heart through the discipline of the church through legal intervention and through the righteous behavior of the abused person herself fortified with Biblical counsel we want to win the abused person to Jesus into renewed obedience it is impossible for abusers to change but as Jesus says in Luke 18:27 the things that are impossible with people are possible with God we don’t know if he will change or she will change but God says he is capable of accomplishing it so that is our goal we seek these goals because what is ultimately ultimately our driving ambition as Christians and as biblical counselors it is to glorify God glorify God to the good of both the abused and the abuser what we seek to teach the abused and the abuser through counseling to seek the glory of God above all is what we must do as counselors what we broadly described the biblical counselor’s approach to an abuse situation and contrast it with the world’s popular approach final thing I want to discuss with you today is what truths what truths should the Bible or from the Bible should you as a counselor especially bring to bear to provide help and hope to the abused I’ve got three categories of those and I’ll just go over them briefly excuse me first we want to show the suffering couns the abused person God is our stronghold amid trouble always when people are facing deep suffering you need to point them to the only sure hope and that is God himself not God changing your circumstances it is God himself circumstances may change they may not people may change they may not but God is greater than people and he is greater than circumstances and you will remain faithful to that counseling no matter what God sees and knows all he sees his people abused and is taking note he is committed to defending the cause of the oppressed who cry out to him he hates Injustice he has promised to bring about vengeance and Vindication at the right time well God has promised that his people will go through trouble he has also ordained that whatever trouble his people experience will accomplish his ultimate glory and their ultimate good most important of all God is with people in their trouble and he will always provide his own unquenchable life joy and peace through the suffering I put a number of references up there and you can see many of them are from the Psalms you’ve got to show that sufferer that abused person the Psalms because that’s what the psalmist were dealing with all the time God I’m suffering God I’m suffering how did they deal with it they found refuge in God that’s number one number two give help and hope to the abused by showing them God teaches us God shows us how to walk amid trouble he doesn’t just give us Comfort he shows us what to do he’s not there just to comfort us but to direct us and to empower us to do his will what is his will what does God want a Christian to do amid abuse wants the Christian to trust God he wants the Christian to seek Godly counsel and support from the church he wants the Christian to rely on God’s providential protection and not remain in fear wants the Christian to practice radical love aggressive submission and generous forgiveness he wants the Christian to overcome evil with good and he wants the Christian to prudently avoid unnecessary trouble I want to say something extra about that last bullet point because I don’t want you to misunderstand we may sometimes have the idea that abused person persons always are just mild and meek persons trying to go quietly about their lives and then abusers come around like come along like tyrannical ogres who cannot res cannot rest until they have hurt or terrorized some innocent victim and then the abuse happens that may be true in some cases but that is not usually the case in abuse situations rather abused persons will often themselves speak or act in sinful ways that provokes their mates to abuse them in fact some marriage relationships feature husbands and wives both abusing each other and both responding to that abuse with more abuse now listen carefully to what I’m about about to say no matter what a person says or doesn’t say no matter what a person does or doesn’t do abuse is never Justified it is never an inevitable response the Bible declares that no matter how anyone provokes you you are responsible for your own behavior your thoughts your actions your words no one ever makes you sin and you never make anyone else sin even when you provoke them however Christians are called not to provoke others to sin Matthew 18:6 that says that doing so is sin better to have a millstone tied around your neck and be thrown into the sea than to cause someone else to sin one of God’s people to sin furthermore a Christian suffering abuse will go a long way to lessening that abuse and winning her abuser over to Christ if she will stop revoking her partner with sin consider again 1 Peter 2:20 1 Peter 2:20 says for what credit is there if when you sin and are harshly treated you endure it with patience but if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it this finds favor with God did you catch that if you do something wrong and are abused don’t think that when you endure through that abuse that you find favor with God no you get no credit Peter says but if you do what it’s right and still are abused and you righteously endure it then that finds favor with God so moral of the story abusers are fully accountable no excuses are acceptable and the abuse are entitled to protection from all abuse whether it was provoked or not however abused person should not foolishly provoke abuse from their mates by their own sin or by their own nav you notice the Proverbs verse there it says you rebuke a scoffer you’re going to get anger you’re gonna get hatred so be wise don’t provoke unnecessary trouble one third source of help and hope for the abused we want to show them that God has provided them God has provided us practical protections that we should utilize Psalm 41:1 says that God blesses those who assist the helpless and Proverbs 319 says or rather it calls on Godly leaders to defend the rights of The Afflicted and needy biblical counselors therefore should help those who are suffering abuse find protection in the church under the church authorities and also in the government and under Civil Authorities how can the church protect the abused or help protect the abused first of all by practicing and enforcing church discipline in a way biblical counseling is just the first part of church discipline but the church needs to be willing go all the way and following the model of Matthew 1815-18 Christians make sure that unrepentant reuse does not remain unaddressed in secret but it is exposed more and more until the whole church knows about it and calls for the repentance of the abuser to the point of excommunication if necessary church discipline is very painful for the abuser and it should strongly encourage him to change through counseling but if he will not do so it will at least remove his polluting influence from the church but the church also gives protection secondly by providing the abused safe Refuge from the abuser some abused persons are afraid to open up about abuse because they are afraid of retaliation if they remain at home the church therefore should be ready to provide a secret place of safety among the households of the church for the abused of to find protection while the church discipline process proceeds and allegations of abuse are investigated more thoroughly we don’t know right away whether the abuse really took place but if somebody claims abuse and they say I’m unsafe I’m in danger and you say well while we investigate we’re going to provide safety for you an abused person leaving her home in this way may be suddenly cut off from financial support and may need to leave things behind like her phones that she’s not trackable therefore the church should come alongside the abused other family members who are primarily responsible for taking care of their own family’s needs but come alongside the abused other family members to provide practical and financial assistance to the to the abused person while she is not at home Lord willing this is just a temporary thing this is not okay now you live with us now and you’ll never see your husband again no this is just while the other parts of the process C proceed and by the way if you are able and willing to offer your own home as a Secret Safe House for an indefinite period of time for someone fleeing abuse then please let me know privately because we want to make sure as a church that we are always ready to provide this needed Ministry but the church is not the only practical protector there is also the government Romans 13 3:4 says that God put a sword into the hand of governments to punish those who do evil we Christians should take advantage of that sword to protect the abused now the law in New Jersey does not require the reporting of any discovered domestic violence to the police a victim may call the police and if there is sufficient evidence the abuse may take legal recourse against her abuser like in getting a restraining order New Jersey Law does require that anyone discovering or having reasonable cause to expect or reasonable cause to suspect child abuse must report it to the NJ child abuse hotline or risk of disorderly person offense kind of like a low-level crime so it may be in the course of counseling you decide or the abused person decides I’m going I want to get the police involved I need some legal protection should be able to help the abused person with that certainly if the abused person discovers or if you the counselor discover that the abused person’s the abused person’s life is in danger if you cannot immediately get that person to a church safe house then you must call 911 should be willing to protect the life of the helpless now I know some abused persons are very hesitant to involve the police oh I don’t want to I want don’t want it to escalate to that level but remember this is partly the reason why we have police is so that they can protect people it’s not always perfect but that is one advantage that we have in our society also some Christians are hesitant to involve courts because of what 1 Corinthians 61 to8 says it seems to suggest that Christians should never go to court against other Christians but that is not what that passage teaches that passage teaches that Christians should not bring lawsuits against one another but if a criminal act has taken place use the courts use the courts to protect the innocent the Apostle Paul wasn’t afraid to do so when people tried to kill him so we shouldn’t be wouldn’t shouldn’t be afraid to do so either and one final note these two sources of practical protection are not mutually exclusive it’s not like okay I can use the church or I can use the law no you can use them both at the same time the abuse can seek legal protection as she also finds Refuge among the church and enters into counseling and or the church discipline process with her husband now I keep saying her and her husband just because that’s the most common type of situation but of course that covers any other type of situation it’s not either or it can be both end well I know that was a lot but like I said this is just an introduction an introduction to this weighty topic you’ll find more information regarding abuse and how to approach it in the homework but at least now hopefully from today’s class you have a basic framework for dealing with the topic we can help in abuse situations we are called to do so we Christians can’t say oh this is too hard this is too scary let the professionals deal with it the professionals are not going to handle it like the Bible calls us to we can do this so we got to do it with the Lord’s help and we want to be careful we want to be wise but yes you and I we can help counsel the abused and abusers and we can help provide protection in those situations for the glory of God I’m sure you probably have questions if you do email me or catch me later in church and I can try and answer them for you that’s it for this week next week talk about the other topic that I was hoping we’d get to today but definitely didn’t have time for it we’ll talk about dealing with homosexuality you in the home let’s close in prayer oh God we are grieved that we do need this kind of instruction oh Lord this is just a testimony to the Brokenness of the world you designed marriage to be good you designed relationships between people to be a blessing and to be enriching not to be destructive not to be a source of misery not to be a source of great physical and spiritual anguish oh Lord we look forward to to your kingdom coming where things like abuse will be gone but until that time God we want to be faithful we want to help the oppressed we not only want to protect their lives God but we want to show them how to live Godly and Lord we want to reach abusers who are not just destroying others but destroying themselves and on their way to being destroyed eternally God your Supernatural Spirit enables us to do this ministry we tremble God because on our own we could never do this but with you we are more than conquerors and Lord you have saved and you have sanctified people in abuse situations that gives us comfort that gives us hope Lord be glorified in the rest this service please build up your people in Jesus name amen amen thank you