In this lesson, Pastor Dave Capoccia introduces the topic of God’s design for parenting and then overviews seven aspects of God’s design for parenting.
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well good morning good morning welcome to Sunday school let’s pray and ask the Lord’s blessing on this time Heavenly Father you are good in all ways and your design for children and parenting is good help me to be able to explain it well in Jesus name amen we are in lesson nine of our Biblical counseling for marriage and Parenthood class we’ve spent the majority of our series thus far focusing on marriage but today we talk about Parenthood but before we do that let let’s go over your homework last week I gave you two assignments if you’re married you are first to have an honest and edifying conversation about your life of physical intimacy together with your spouse so have that conversation with your spouse I hope you did that hope the results were positive if you’re married but second and this is the assignment I’ll go over now I assigned you to read or listen to an episode of the truth and love podcast entitled infertility and miscarriage and then write down five observations or questions to share so what were your what were some of your questions are observations yeah Magna yeah Magna making a point in particular with infertility and miscarriage but or anything that involves tragedy anything that involves real vulnerability pain and sadness you want to seek to understand your couns even communicate that you seek to understand your couns rather than you merely want to be understood by your couns but mag is pointing out really that’s that should be our rule for all of counseling that’s just kindness that’s just loving communication but certainly extra important when you’re dealing with somebody who’s really been pained by an issue for a long time what else yeah yeah that’s also really valuable host way along the same lines noting how the author Jeremy prey talks about don’t rush to give counsel listen first and lament with them that’s something that we need to get used to both ASR Christians and as counselors that before you offer the Comfort or before you offer correction it is appropriate for you to lament with that person about the vapor-like nature of Life the tragedies that in his God’s mysterious sovereignty has brought about in their lives because that’s what you see in the scriptures we don’t just say oh you know God works all things together for good so you shouldn’t worry about it okay that’s a comfort that you do want to help them appreciate but don’t ignore the fact that this world is broken and they’re experiencing that and that’s a way to really build gain involvement to use the term we used from the beginning of our course to build the bond between you and your counsel and make the rest of the counseling more effective what else yeah Mark lines I noticed he use Psalm 13 to pray through and work through together in their lament yeah Lord and I I I really love how he he focused on we need to go to the Lord and point to him rather than human opinion earlier um and then along with that um what did he say he said we we had a very tight grip on our plans and notice that he said that and how you know functionally submitting them to God’s sovereignty you you can kind of theoretically believe in God’s sovereignty but this was a way to really to live it out um and to humbly submit to God’s plans for that yeah so it’s almost like a continuation of what Magda and hos has said but Mark bringing out the fact that ultimately you want to even early on point them to God don’t Point them to oh your circumstances might change or God will surely give you a child now or you can’t promise those things and that’s ultimately where you don’t want their hope to be you want their hope to be in God and so even as you as you listen and as you lament with them Point them to their God and then it’s appropriate for you to work out the comfort of God’s sovereignty but also the correction of God’s sovereignty we say you eventually want them to see you have been holding too tightly to your plans that’s why this is so devastating to you but you can’t say that right at the beginning without those other things because you’ll just come off as unfeeling and as not really understanding their situation but you do need to get them there to so that they can rest in God’s sovereignty and say yes whatever my Lord ordains Is Right these are all good I hope um that homework assignment was beneficial to you and don’t forget even as much as in this course or in this church we celebrate marriage we celebrate parenting we celebrate the addition of children into this world infertility and miscarriage is a pretty common issue but it’s not one that people talk about because it’s so vulnerable it’s so private so you want to be sensitive to that I’m not saying that you need to walk on eggshells and be afraid of offending people but you got to remember that this is an issue and that mothers or wives in the church may be dealing with that and so you want to show compassion towards them and not just the wives but the husbands as well that was your homework assignment from last week let me talk about the homework assignment for this upcoming week briefly I have another piece of reading for you to do we’re talking about parenting now and this is going to have a lot to do with something we talk about today but your homework assignment is to read a chapter from this book shepherding a child’s heart by Ted trip and the chapter is is called embracing biblical methods the rod and you were to write down five observations or questions that you have now Ted trip you haven’t heard of him before he’s a pastor biblical counselor Christian Author his book shepherding a child’s heart was one of the one of my favorite books from Seminary and part of the reason is because he applies many of the foundational biblical counseling Concepts to Parenting and it’s very very helpful so the reading is about 16 pages and because I scanned my copy there are some notes and highlights in there just please Overlook those but uh do that reading for yourself do the reading and then five observations and questions to share questions about that assignment Dwayne cop of The the library as well asies very good so Dwayne mentioned that we do have some copies of shepherding a child’s heart in the booknook the lending library and we also have have some DVD versions of it so that can also be extended benefit to you not just reading this chapter other questions okay well today we are talking about God’s design for parenting saw briefly in our discussion about God’s design for marital Union last week that the Bible’s expectation is that couples will want children they will then have children and then they will enjoy those children as blessings from the Lord yes such is increasingly not the case in our society and indeed in many Advanced societies around the world many couples do not want children they do not choose to have children or if they do end up having children they speak of their children as being more of a curse than a blessing now brainstorm with me why is this why do so many people not see children as a blessing Donna right so looking at the costs the personal the time the energy the emotional the financial cost of having a kid and they say uh it’s not worth it Stephanie okay um that’s all about me okay type attitude okay so selfishness they don’t want to care for another human being they just want to make it me what else you hear a lot of the term human autonomy right I want to be free from any any feds I want to be uh I want to be master of my own life do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it which we know biblically is a very unhealthy thing but um yeah so a preference for autonomy not being tied down at all Freedom ability to do whatever you want Magna unfortunately there are those who believe that we are already overated as right so this is an idea from last century but the world’s too populated or this is going to lead to unsustainable climate change and so we can’t have more kids Steve ofed because if you don’t have the Next Generation I mean how are you GNA fulfill your ownes if somebody doesn’t you know isn’t to do those responsibil jobs that help you to survive Okay so mentioning a kind of shortsightedness that’s not thinking about the future even the the future of the nation or the world who’s going to be able to do the things in the future that everybody’s going to need or even that they desire yeah these are definitely some reasons another one would be that people just see children as a burden a road block to the pursuit of what they want in life the a hindrance to enjoying their Idol or reaching their life goals maybe they feel like they they’re not able to do it oh it’s really hard I’m not going to be a good parent they want to avoid the pain sorrow and concern that comes with raising children we mentioned that last week but I think two other reasons that are worth pointing out is that when people say this or when people believe this they show that they do not believe the scriptures and they are ignorant of or reverse to God’s design for parenting which means that if they have children they do end up being raised as curses I think this last reason is particularly important you see there is a parallel between the world’s view of parenting and the world’s view of marriage the world very much looks down on marriage and talks about marriage like marriage is a curse we’ve talked about this why because when people don’t approach marriage God’s way marriage usually does turn out to be a curse even though it was originally designed to be a blessing the same I assert is true of parenting because most people won’t approach parenting God’s way raising children usually turns out to be a cursed rather than a blessed experience I mean have you ever heard people complain about their kids or warn you against having kids based on their own experience if these persons explain a little bit more as you find out more about their particular situation you usually notice certain red flags about how those kids were raised for example you learn that the parent or parents wouldn’t discipline their children consistently or at all or only and frequently discipline their children in anger or they wouldn’t teach their children about the Lord or seek to minister the gospel to their children’s hearts or they wouldn’t spend quality time with their children but neglected their children to pursue what they wanted relational economic or pleasure interests and suddenly as you learn more about these things you hear more about these things from that person it’s suddenly not such a mystery as to why their kids turned out to be such a curse and you almost want to say to that person plainly friend you were doing it wrong now truly how a child turns out is ultimately not in a parent’s hands however the Bible is still true when it proclaims that children despite the curse of sin in the world despite the costs that are associated with raising them are generally a gift and a blessing if parents will actually parent according to God’s design and even when children don’t respond as they should don’t respond well to Godly parenting the Bible teaches that parents can still find peace and joy in fulfilling God’s calling to them no matter how their children respond so what is God’s design for parenting that’s what we want to find more about today find out more about today there’s a lot to say regarding God’s design for parenting and I found in my prep it’s too much for one lesson so we’re actually going to take this week and next week to discuss this topic our agenda for this week is just to look at seven aspects of God’s design for parenting seven aspects for God’s of God’s design for parenting but one more introductory thought before we get into that considering how many challenges and questions people have when it comes to Parenting the New Testament says surprisingly little on how to parent in fact does anyone know how many New Testament verses give direct instruction to parents on how to parent two verses just two verses Colossians 3:21 fathers do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart and Ephesians 64 fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord just two verses why so little New Testament instruction isn’t this kind of a big deal shouldn’t we get more in instruction from the apostles and our lord well thinking through this there can only be two answers as to why there’s so little said one whatever was already given in the Old Testament especially the Torah the Proverbs and Ecclesiastes is largely sufficient for raising and instructing children but also number two whatever isn’t in either the Old Testament or new testament is actually not that important in order for you to par parent your children well before God after all the Bible claims to give Christians everything fundamentally necessary for life and godliness that’s 2 Peter 1:3 and 2 Timothy 3:17 says that God’s word provides sufficient instruction to equip every Christian for every good work so these truths also apply to Parenting so if the Bible doesn’t tell you whether you should use breast milk or formula milk should comfort your child when he cries in the night or let him cry it out should let your child watch something on a screen before he’s two years old or not or should have your children take piano lessons or not if the Bible doesn’t speak to those things guess what those position those specific decisions are not that important you may do what you think is best now I’m not saying those decisions are totally unimportant or have absolutely nothing to do with the principles that the Bible teaches the Bible gives parents but these decisions are largely Christian freedom and conviction issues there is more freedom in Christian parenting than we often think and there are two important implications of this fact number one parenting is another area in which Christians need to purposefully avoid going beyond what is written and consequently judging one another this can happen a lot even among people who are otherwise Godly they judge each other over their parenting but two another implication is that parents and especially moms need to stop enforcing standards on themselves that go beyond God’s word and only make them feel guilty I’m a bad mom I let my kid eat McDonald’s I’m a bad dad because I let my kid sleep in mom and dad’s bed when he got scared don’t judge yourself don’t judge others with a standard that goes beyond God’s Own if you do you are sure to siphon all the joy out of your parenting and siphon the joy out of your relationships with other parents other Christ parents even so the Bible does give much more freedom in Christian parenting than perhaps we suspect but while that’s true while the Bible does give this freedom and trust that you will figure out some specific things when it comes to Parenting like how to burp a newborn and how to potty train a toddler by your own research getting Good Counsel or simple trial and error the Bible expects that you will do that nevertheless the Bible does have a certain standard for parenting that it wants you to uphold the Bible does clarify certain fundamental callings to parents it’s not La Fair oh anybody do what you want don’t judge no there’s a lot of freedom but there are certain things that parents must do now then let’s see what those are actually we see a number of these right in that one verse we’ve already mentioned in Ephesians so if you would take your Bibles and go to Ephesians 64 Ephesians 6:4 let’s now look at seven aspects of God’s designed for parenting and the first is number one fathers bear ultimate responsibility for parenting their children that may sound surprising to you but look at what Ephesians 64 says fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord why does this text and and the parallel text in Colossians address fathers and not mothers and not fathers and mothers is it simply because fathers too often neglect their role as parents and they need a special reminder from the apostle that may be true enough but that’s not the real reason the real reason is the truth we’ve already seen God ordained from creation that husbands that is fathers should be the head of a family the head of the home therefore though fathers will delegate many responsibilities of child raising to their gifted wives and the New Testament clarifies that raising children and keeping house is one of the main callings and responsibilities of a wife and mother you can look up these verses on your own but 1 Timothy 2:15 1 Timothy 5:10 1 Timothy 5:14 Titus 2:4 they all speak to that though it is expected that wives mothers will do much of the work in raising a child nevertheless the father has his own active role to play and that includes setting the agenda that husband and wife father and mother will seek to carry out with the children you can’t sit back and say okay that’s kids are your responsibility you handle everything no you’re the leader in parenting as well even if your wife takes care of the kids most of the time you need to support support her and you need to provide leadership to her and wives you meanwhile should voluntarily line up under your husband when it comes to how you raise your kids together this is actually a source of marital conflict when husband and wife the father and mother feel like they need to do different things they don’t trust one another when it comes to their kids Ephesians 6:4 shows us know this is an area that the team needs to come together under the male leadership fathers be old ultimate responsibility for parenting their children number two parents must provide for the physical well-being of their children I know that’s like a no-brainer right you’re like I didn’t come here to learn these Basics Pastor Dave well it’s worth mentioning you see the phrase in Ephesians 6:4 bring them up speaking of children and this translates the Greek word Ecto which has the idea within it of feeding and nourishing so one of the basic aspects of being a parent is that you provide for the physical life of your kids and if you’re too lazy or selfish or cruel to do that for your own family or your even your near relatives well 1 Timothy 5’8 says that you have denied the faith and are worse than an unbeliever it expected that you’re going to provide for the physical well-being of your family but too many parents and especially dads think that if they just keep their kid alive and fed well they’ve done their job no that’s just the base basic part of your job there’s much more to bringing up a child than that and especially as we’ll see in the next aspect which is number three parents must provide discipline and instruction for the spiritual well-being of their children discipline and instruction notice the full phrase of Ephesians 6:4 in the second part says but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord so this is how Christian parents are to nourish to raise to bring up children not with mere physical nourishment but also with necessary spiritual nourishment as well what exactly are these two terms discipline and instruction well the Greek word for discipline here is pidea and it refers to training or instruction that is focused on establishing disciplined living or providing correction thus the call to Christian parents in this term is to provide for their children formative structural and correcting corrective discipline now what are those three types of discipline well formative discipline is training given to children not because they’ve done anything wrong but to merely grow them to grow them in their abilities and character for example a Christian parent May assign chores for a child to fulfill not as punishment but just training or it may enroll his child in school and insists that his child completes the homework for school or may even arrange for his child to work a summer job all of this is formative discipline structural discipline is the training given to Children through the inauguration of routines restrictions and rules which also are meant to help the child grow especially in self-discipline and in faithfulness and in respect for authority for example a Christian parent May set times for when their children wake up when they eat when they do their homework when they sleep parents May set limits for how many hours a child may play video games a day or a parent May forbid their child from speaking certain words that are unkind and disrespectful in the home this is the structure structural discipline a corrective discipline that is the training given to children when they rebel against the formative or structural discipline when they break the rules of the household this discipline is not me as mere punishment this is not Justice this is training this is meant to grow children in their self-control in their appreciation for the consequences of sin and in their reverence for Authority even for God this correction depending on the age and stage of the child could take the form for example of a temporary removal of privileges an extra chore to complete or a spanking corporal punishment I’ll say more about corporal punishment a little bit later so on the one hand Christians are called to spiritually nourish and bring up their children by means of discipline in its various forms on the other hand Christians are called to bring up their children with instruction and the Greek word for instruction in Ephesians 6:4 is nasia having as a root the Greek word n which means mind and so nasia refers to instruction admonition or counsel especially counsel for the avoidance or cessation of an improper course by the way if nasia sounds slightly familiar to you that’s because the Greek word is just the noun form of another Greek word and verb that we’ve encountered before nto meaning to admonish warn or counsel nto is often translated admonish in the scriptures like coloss colians 1 128 Colossians 3:16 1 Thessalonians 5:14 which we’ve examined before even in the first lesson of this course because those verses are part of establishing the foundation of biblical counseling nto is to biblical counsel and it’s one of the reasons why I say every Christian is a Biblical counselor you are all called to instruct counsel admonish one another so if that’s same term in the noun form is being used for this passage here in Ephesians 6:4 well guess what that means for parents parents are called to biblical counsel biblically counsel their children to provide newa so that their children might be warned from the improper course and instructed in the right way you must not only teach the Lord’s word to your children and enforce his standards for them but you must as part of that seek to understand your children and Minister Christ and the gospel to their hearts what have we been saying from the beginning biblical counselors want to get to the heart parents you must do the same don’t settle for surface issues or Surface Conformity seek to minister to the heart speak to draw out and counsel your children’s Hearts everything you might do with someone in counseling in another context you should do with your kids now you may have noticed that from my description of these two terms discipline and instruction that both callings are given with the expectation of a certain negative reality that is your child will need discipline in all its forms your child will need biblical counsel admonishment even warning why these negative expectations about children even Christian children what would you say because of the Fall can you explain that a little bit more yeah that’s right Magus says we’re all we’re all sinners from birth and it shows a real fasten your kids that is true children come into the world naturally naive selfish and undisciplined they come sinful and foolish just like we did many parents in the world cannot understand why their children turn out to be such troublemakers and the reason is because these parents start with wrong assumptions about their kids these parents think that their childrens come into the world good oh just little baby Angels or if not good at least blank slates they can be molded into good with proper parenting with the right environment but the Bible represents the opposite for our reality for how children arrive into the world there is no one good not even one Romans 3:10 that applies to your children even your infants Psalm 515 which we mentioned last week children have a sin nature from the moment of conception from the moment of their existence they have a sin nature more explicit is Proverbs 22:15 proverbs 2215 says foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child the rod of discipline will remove it far from him your children come into the world with foolishness wound up bound up in their hearts you as a parent are called to help get rid of that foolishness by discipline and Proverbs 29:15 says Proverbs 29:15 the rod and reproof give wisdom but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother and I notice the Assumption in the second half of that proverb a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother why what’s so bad about a child getting his own way why should that bring shame to his mother that’s because the assumption is the child’s way is naturally sinful and foolish don’t leave your child to his own way that will be bad for him and it will be shame for you so what does a child need according to the first half of that proverb he needs the rod and reproof whereas Ephesians 6 four says he needs discipline and instruction even biblical counseling yeah Mark yeah that and what mag said as well is that we draw from the fatherhood of God in our own lives for this thing right his discipline of us is something that we carry forward for our children yeah true and that’s a good point um I think that integrates a little bit something I’ll say later but to repeat it Mark’s saying that we discipline our children because we ourselves are disciplined by God we we follow and benefit from his fatherhood and we are SE seeking merely to pass it on to our kids we need to have foolishness and sinfulness driven out of us even though we’ve been made new in Jesus Christ how much more so for our kids who do not yet know Christ or as they come to know Christ now notice from Ephesians 6:4 that both discipline and instruction are required of Christian parents not just one but both and also notice that these must be in the Lord that is to say you cannot discipline and instruct just as you think is best what you please it has to be guided it has to be founded in the Lord that is in the person and teaching of the Lord even the word of the Lord you must apply the Lord’s standard not just to your children but to yourself you must exercise discipline and instruction according to the commands and principles of God God’s word now there’s one more command in Ephesians 64 that we should notice and it’s going to be the fourth aspect I want to bring out to you in God’s design for parenting and that is number four parents must be careful not to provoke or dishearten their children notice the first part of Ephesians 64 says fathers do not provoke your children to anger and Colossians 3:21 that parallel verse says fathers do not exasperate your children so that they will not lose heart what are these commands all about well Paul is showing us that instead of disciplining and and instructing our children in the Lord as we ought we could but must not merely provoke our children to anger exasperating them frustrating them causing them to become discouraged or even to despair how might how might we do that Paul doesn’t explain for us specifically and either passage but thinking through other scriptures other commands of God I can think of at least nine ways that we can exasperate we can provoke and dishearten our children I’ll go through these briefly one you could discipline and instruct In the Flesh rather than in the Lord you may say you’re doing all this for the Lord’s sake but your kids realize that you’re just being selfish you’re just being vindictive towards them you’re just a tyrant indulging himself and using the Bible as a cover that will provoke them two you might discipline and instruct inconsistently you sometimes enforce the rules sometimes don’t you sometimes start instruction but then you don’t finish this frustrates a child because doesn’t really know where he stands or what he needs or what’s required of him three you do not discipline or instruct at all child May welcome this at first yay I can do whatever I want but deep down since every child is made in the image of God and lives in God’s world that child craves discipline and instruction and in the end he will resent you for not giving it to him four you discipline and instru struck too strictly you have too many rules and the penalty for breaking those rules are so harsh your children begin to lose hope be careful not to set up so many rules that your child feels like he’s doomed to fail five you discipline and instruct hypocritically you may say and do all that’s officially required of you in the Lord but your kids see that you do not follow those principles and rules yourself you do not exhibit in your own life what you seek to correct or exhort in them and they will resent this six you only discipline or you only instruct not both when you only discipline you show that you only care about outward Conformity and not the heart but when you only instruct you show that you lack the courage or conviction to firmly oppose your child either of these will ultimately cause you to lose your child’s respect seven you discipline your your discipline and instruction is not appropriate to the age and stage of the child I’ll illustrate this with an extreme example but you cannot have a deeply introspective spiritual conversation with a one-year-old about his heart Idols nor should you attempt to spank your 16-year-old son the balance of your discipline and instruction you must realize will change over time it will be mostly discipline in the early years and it will be mostly instruction in the later years but failure to recognize this and to adjust accordingly will provoke your children it will lead them to anger and despair eight you do not show you care for your children outside of providing discipline and instruction discipline and instruction are a key maybe even the main part of a Christian’s calling to love their children but if these are the only ways you show love to your children if you do not show interest in their lives in any other way your kids will become disheartened they will question your love for them the only thing he wants to do is provide discipline or provide biblical instruction you must do more than that and then nine you do not also reward and en encourage your children alongside your discipline and instruction now God provides his children this is obvious in the scriptures whether it’s Israel the church with much discipline and instruction but God also provides encouragement and he promises reward so we should do the same children who only receive discipline and admonishment may feel like you never pleased with them they can never make you happy and thereby they will become disheartened and there may be more but those are just something I thought of now of course your children may accuse you of sinfully provoking them to anger or discouraging them well that’s not actually the case you’re just actually doing what God called you to do you’re providing discipline you’re providing instruction so we have to realize that but as far as you are able do not do anything that unnecessarily barely provokes or discourages your children and if and when you do go beyond the proper bounds be willing to confess to repent and to seek the Forgiveness of your children that is not a sign of weakness that is a sign that you too are under Authority and far from losing credibility with your children it will actually cause you to gain credibility with your children so that was a little side sidebar but let me come back to the seven aspects of God’s design for parenting and even come back to the issue of corporal punishment because the fifth aspect is number five parents should recognize the wisdom of the rod among other forms of legitimate corrective discipline now I know that the issue of corporal punishment of administering discipline to a child’s body is a touchy subject and perhaps that’s because some of you have seen how this was done in an evil way maybe you experienced it maybe you witnessed it and you say I want nothing to do with that that is indeed evil that’s child abuse and if that’s what you experience my heart goes out to you but this is an issue that we need to talk about the Bible speaks pretty extensively about corporal punishment and so if I’m going to Faithfully equip you as parents and as those who are going to give counsel to parents I need to talk to you about this and I’ll seek to do so in a Godly way many people including Christian parents consider the use of corporal punishment spanking the rod whatever you want to call it they consider it outdated unloving and ineffective practically if not actually child abuse furthermore there are supposedly many scientific studies that back up the claim or seem to back up the claim that the use of the rod actually produces worse behavior in children over time not better the rod in other words will ruin people it will traumatize them it will make them into abusers so why would Christians who love their children ever use the rod but let’s start again with the Bible very safe place to start what does the Bible say about the rod look at some verses with me Proverbs 23 we’re going to spend probably the rest of our time today in Proverbs so you can turn over there Proverbs 23: 12- 13 these are two verses that together speak about the last lasting effects of the rod and listen to what it says Proverbs to13 actually just verse 13 sorry I thought it was two verses no I’m sorry it’s 13 and 14 there we go Proverbs 23: 13 to 14 do not hold back discipline from the child although you strike him with the rod he will not die you shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from sheld if you will pardon the pun how striking are those verses far from ruining or destroying a child Proverbs testifies that the rod will rescue the child rescue the child from the grave that’s what sh means it will rescue him from ruin in fact these verses verse 13 specifically is written to people people who are afraid to use the rod who are afraid that using the rod will hurt the child in some lasting way and the verse says do not hold back discipline from the child do not be afraid your child will not die he will not be scarred for life he will be rescued would you like to rescue your child Proverbs 13:24 you can turn over there Proverbs 13:24 also speaks point L about the rod Proverbs 13:24 he who withholds his Rod hates his son but he who loves him disciplines him diligently now do you hear that Proverbs proclaims that it is not unloving to use the rod it is loving and not just every once in a while as a last resort but frequently diligently ly if you love your children use the rod to discipline them when necessary this is the wisdom of Proverbs because we know what Proverbs represents in the totality of scriptures this is the wisdom of God for his people now someone will say the rod is just symbolic of all kinds of corrective discipline the raw does not necessarily mean physical correction in every case to that I say it’s true that the rod in these verses functions as a symbol for all corrective discipline however the rod only works as a symbol for legitimate and effective discipline if the rod itself is included in that legitimate and effective discipline otherwise you can’t use the rod as a symbol it would be inappropriate not to mention very confusing now someone else might say but these words and Proverbs were given back in ancient barbarous times the the world has progressed in its understanding and its civility since then now we all know that the C that the rod is cruel and ineffective oh really so did God also progress in his understanding he thought that it was good before but now he’s realized that the rod is actually unloving or maybe children have changed since Old Testament times children are are born with less sin and foolishness than they were before thus the Rod’s not necessary or maybe parents have changed parents were capable of using the rod in a loving and effective way before but something happened and now they can’t do it is that the case no obviously none of those things are true what’s really changed between Bible times and now nothing but man’s opinion what man considers to be wise for centuries man has accepted even people who weren’t Christian or Hebrew in ancient times but many Century since then mankind accepted the rod corporal punishment as a wise and even god- affirmed form of corrective discipline this was universally accepted but then modern psychology came along with its anti-biblical assumptions and began to question whether the practice of the rod could ever be used legitimately and productively indeed so someone might say Pastor Dave what about all the scientific studies that show a correlation between spanking and negative outcomes in a child’s life well before I answer that question let me ask this based on just what we’ve seen today does the Bible unambiguously support the use of the rod for being honest with the scriptures the answer is yes it does it’s not subtle about that it’s obvious so what does that tell us what does that tell us before we even fully examine these supposedly contradictory scientific studies it means whatever they say is not the whole story there’s something off there’s something wrong there’s something incomplete about these things because God’s word is true so if there’s something that says oh God’s word is not true there’s got to be something wrong with it let God be found true every man be found a liar well Pastor Dave what could be wrong with these studies this is science well let me give you an example because the persons conducting these scientific studies on average probably in every case but in most cases because the person’s conducting these studies do not have an understanding a sufficient understanding of biblical discipline they will inevitably not differentiate between between those who use the rod correctly and those who do not parents who use the rod in Anger parents use the rod for selfish reasons parents who use the rod inconsistently are inevitably lumped in with parents who use the rod correctly who use the rod in a controlled and loving and consistent way but because they’re all lumped together when you’re looking what are the results that the rod produces in someone’s life it’s going to be skewed furthermore since most people in the world who do use the rod do not use it correctly do not use it in a Godly way but instead actually transgress the first part of Ephesians 6:4 and provoke their children to anger even in how they use the rod should we be surprised if the rod might generally be shown to be associated with long-term negative outcomes not at all the Bible would lead us to EXP expect that result if most people who use the rod use it in a wrong way well then of course it’s going to result in negative outcomes even long-term negative outcomes but just because some people even many people misuse the rod and thus experience long-term consequences for doing so doesn’t mean that Christians therefore should abandon the rod I mean it’s the same we can make the same argument with marriage right most people abuse Mis use the original marriage relationship of the husband being the authority and the wife being submissive and so people say we got to throw out marriage we got to throw out that structure no you need to get back to the way that God originally designed that structure and then you’ll see the blessing rather than the curse same thing with the rod this was not designed to be a curse but it is made into a curse because of the way that people use it but Christians don’t have to use it that way we’re called not to use it that way and so we can receive the benefit and our children can receive the benefit there are other problems in these studies besides what I’ve just mentioned to you but I hope you see that despite appearances despite the number of studies that might show up in your newsfeed science has not proven the evilness and ineffectiveness of the rod and thereby contradicted God’s word but someone else may still say Pastor Dave even if the rod is permitted I love my children too much to use it my dear brother or sister let me challenge you in one way I want you to ask yourself are you more loving and are you wiser than God because the Bible indicates in his perfect love and his perfect wisdom he does not withhold the rod from you so why do you think that you should do it for your children in fact listen to what Hebrews 126 says Hebrews 126 this is the author quoting the Old Testament and affirming what he quotes as applying legitimately to Christians Hebrews 12:6 the writer says my son do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord nor faint when you are reproved by him For Those whom the Lord loves he disciplines and he scourges every son he receives now did you catch that one word at the end of verse six scourges God scourges every son that he loves every son that he receives do you know what scourges means my lexicon provides the definition for the Greek word thus to beat with a whip or lash to whip flog or Scourge it’s actually the same word used in John 191 for what pilate did to Jesus before Jesus was crucified Jesus was scourged now for multiple reasons I absolutely do not recommend that you use a whip on your children but if God himself who is love who is wisdom in his Essence whips so to speak his children how can you say that you absolutely will not use the rod on your children because you love them too much and know A Better Way meaning is also legitimate Pastor Dave why do you love the rod so much I don’t know if I would say I love the rod but I love God and I love God’s word and I want to see God’s truthfulness and Authority upheld he didn’t make a mistake when he wrote these things in Proverbs we shouldn’t be ashamed of what God wrote we should believe him we should apply his word now it’s worth mentioning that in advantage to or in advantage over other types of corrective discipline the rod is simple quick and efficient administering discipline and then immediately allowing a fully restored relationship ship between parent and child other forms of discipline like say the removal of privileges they take much longer to resolve you can’t have this for a week or you can’t have this for a day you can’t have this for a month that’s a long time and that does have a greater risk of the child developing bitterness toward the parent because there isn’t that resolution until the end of the discipline not saying you can’t do that but this is one advantage of the rod over other types of discipline let me say this we have to let the scriptures get us away from the psychologized notion that children are fragile little things that can hardly handle a corrective word much less the rod without being scarred for life that doesn’t come from the scriptures that is opposite of what the scripture says that comes from the world that comes from psychology children are resilient and thus the rod is an effective and loving form of corrective discipline all that being said let me also say you don’t always have to use the rod in fact you shouldn’t Pastor Dave you’re contradicting yourself no I’m not I’m just adding complimentary information of what I just said God as the perfect parent he does use the rod but he doesn’t always use the rod doesn’t always discipline in the same way and neither should we as we get to know our children as they grow up we should pay attention to what be what will be most effective for a particular child at a particular time and adjust accordingly and there’s going to be some trial and error in that actually many practitioners of the rod will tell you that the rod is most effective when a child is young as the child gets older the rod becomes less effective but also less necessary now there’s more I’d like to say on the subject of the rod such as answers to Common objections and some practical dos and don’ts but I’m going to leave that for your homework that’ll be in your reading so number five parent should indeed recognize the wisdom of the rod but use it along with other forms of corrective discipline now two more aspects of God’s design for parenting briefly number six parents should discipline and instruct their children early and often for best results go to Proverbs 226 one of the most famous verses when it comes to Proverbs and parenting Proverbs 22:6 it says train up a child in the way he should go even when he is old he will not depart from it more literal rendering of the Hebrew of this verse reads dedicate a child upon the mouth of his way even when he is old he will not turn aside from it what does this verse mean there’s some debate some suggest that this verse is ironic py sarcastically declaring what will happen if you don’t actively discipline and instruct your child from a young age let your child go his own way from the beginning dedicate him to going his own way and he’ll stay that way even when he’s old he’ll become hardened in his foolishness and sin and there are other Proverbs even some that we’ve looked at that do give a similar warning but I’m persuaded that Proverbs 22:6 is a positive statement and mainly because it mentions old age an old age proverb says is generally the inheritance of wise men not fools fools don’t make it to old age generally so Proverbs 226 is an encouragement to dedicate your child that is commit him to wise and religious training early so that even when he’s old what you taught your child will stick with him and guide him don’t wait till he’s older it won’t be as malleable it won’t be as teachable dedicate him at the mouth or the beginning of his way for best results now though doing this is wise even righteous these good results are not guaranteed this is how a lot of people get tripped up with this verse plenty of Christian parents can testify that children who are raised well later did depart from wisdom and from God they say was Proverbs 226 was wrong Proverbs 226 is a proverb not a promise it’s an expression of a general truth there are no guaranteed outcomes when it comes to Children again look at the example of God Isaiah 1 1:4 he’s the best parent but he says I have unruly Sons how did they turn out this way if that’s true of God it can be true of Christians too you can’t guarantee a good outcome for your children even saving Faith by raising them well but you give yourself and you give your children the best chance humanly speaking if you start early that’s the Commendation of Proverbs 22:6 but you don’t merely want to start well you want to continue well you want to parent your children diligently we heard from Proverbs 13:24 earlier when it says that he who loves his son disciplines him diligently you must be diligent in your parenting active continual meanwhile God tells parents and especially fathers in Deuteronomy 6 Deuteronomy 6 6-9 that they must teach God’s words diligently to their sons to their children and talk about God’s words all the time so if you haven’t realized by now Godly parenting is hard work you cannot be passive you cannot be lazy if you want to fulfill God’s design for parenting this is just like marriage right marriage is hard work if you pursue it in a Godly way but both of these Pursuits they are investments that generally bring reward if you will put the hard work into your marriage you’ll see the benefit you put the hard work into your parenting generally speaking you’re going to see the benefit why should you discipline and instruct your children in the Lord so diligently not just because it is your reverent Duty before Christ whether you want want you or not you have a responsibility not just because it’s an act of love to your children it is that but because also you give your children the greatest chance humanly speaking of gaining wisdom learning the fear of the Lord and coming to know Jesus Christ if you do if you’ll be diligent you set your children up in the best way you can for Spiritual success so that’s number six finally number seven parents must realize that marital Harmony is vital for Effective parenting Proverbs 171 says better is a dry morsel and quietness with it and a house full of feasting with Strife my counseling Professor Dr John Street he says that children are like a barometer in the home whatever is going on in the home often shows up in the attitude and behavior of the child if the marriage is harmonious the child is often happy even obedient but if the marriage is full of strife the child destabilized and a witness of his ugly home environment and the bad examples of his parents he often acts out himself so then if you want to spiritually nourish your children as you want don’t start with or prioritize your children start with and prioritize your marriage and your children will feel the Overflow effects I like another piece of advice from doct Street specifically to counselors it says realize that sometimes not all the time but sometimes when your when parents come to you to get biblical counseling help with their kids it’s the parents who really need the counseling this only makes sense right if parenting is to be a team effort when the team is not on the same page it’s going to resulting problems parenting is not going to be as effective now we have we have to pause our discussion of God’s design for parenting there and know you say well there’s so much you haven’t said yet I know we’re coming back to it next week and you also get in the homework next week is part two of God’s design for parenting in which we’ll go over seven key emphases of Parental instruction as well as God’s design for Blended families what about when two people get married who already have kids what are some challenges that they face and how can God’s word equip them for it we’ll talk about that next time if you have questions please email me I’ll also be around later in the service let’s close in prayer Lord thank you for your word you can be believed Lord children are a blessing to become a parent yes it’s hard work yes it brings suffering but it’s a blessing it’s a gift and it’s something that you desire for married couples so Lord help us to believe your word and God I pray that you would prove your word as we commit yourselves commit ourselves to your way show us Lord show us that blessing that you intended but Lord even where that is not the case we know or even when children don’t respond well we know that there is always blessing in fulfilling what you’ve called us to do we are to be good parents whether our kids turn out to be good or not but even in doing that Lord you give us your joy you give us your peace so God I pray that you would bless all the parents in this church and future parents